'Walking With People' - Leonie

People can change, but not if they're not aware of what needs changing. We're a product of our environments.

Does prison rehabilitate? Personally for me no, I was already on the way to changing my world around and how I acted, I felt like there was no need for sending me down. I feel like it's not good to send someone down without really exploring what was going on for them at the time and how to help them to make better choices. It's like: Oh you've done that, so this is what you get, cos it's in the law. They don't look at the whole person, their past, what they've been through, and what they need. People aren't seen as a whole, they're seen as that crime they've committed, and cos I was a drug addict, I was not believed.

It starts at the beginning really with trauma and stuff, so we need more resources around that. We need more money putting in to the community to help people in areas they need help with, and services need to be funded for longer periods of time. They have to rebrand themselves to get the funding again, having to change things that are already working.

I've been in this job about 16months, I'm a personal wellbeing mentor, working with people on probation. I love it. I was working with guys on probation whilst I was still on probation, they were like "how is that?" and I was like "cos we can change and live well for ourselves, things can happen!"

I'd like to keep going with it really; walking with people. I'll walk with them again and again and again. Each time they come to a different place, they're like, oh that didn't work out last time, probably cos of this, so I'll change that bit. They've not changed their whole lives and they might even go back into prison again, but they're changing bit by bit.

I was in this awful training today about wasting time and stuff… if your intervention hasn't got an action involved, then it's wasted. I was like, nah. You can't measure everything, and that's alright! Sometimes people just need to talk about it and be listened to and even if they might see it as staying still, I think its progression that they've not gone back. And sometimes you DO need to go back a bit, like with my relapse, I had to have that to realise I couldn't use successfully. Sometimes people need to go back and learn, then it solidifies the actions that you wanna do.

I don't think any one thing can fix everything; I think its needs to be a lot of different things. We end up trying to be everything to everyone. Why are we doing that? Why don't we just do the stuff that we are good at? I don't like it when were like, we can help with everything, and I'm like, no we can't. We are good at helping people manage anxiety, stress and worry. We're always tailoring the interventions; that won't work for this person, but that will. I've got a guy at the moment who's a full-on Christian, so I do a lot of stuff around the bible with him, cos that really helps. If someone keeps going back inside, we help them to look at their beliefs around a situation which bring on the same thinking habits, emotions and behaviours.

prisons and police

Unfortunately, people go in to police for the wrong reasons, power control, authority, you really need to want to be helping people. Sometimes their way of doing stuff is not proportionate to the event. A guy I'm supporting in my work said: "why don't the police see that the more violent they get with me, the more violent I'm gunna become?" …he couldn't grasp that just cos someone is wearing different clothes and has a different job title that it was okay for them to act the way they did. They'd all clamboured on him, about 5 of them, well that's not proportionate, it's ridiculous. He's got autism, he'd been in the interchange toilets too long, security banged on the door and they manhandled him out. Being manhandled for anyone does not go well, it puts your back up. He got a bit out of control really. He needs some kind of lanyard to show he has a hidden disability, that he needs to be treat a bit differently; with respect please. but why should he have to have that on?

I remember when I got arrested and I was in the cells; I was going crazy in there, I was just crying and the officer said, "well you shouldn't have done what you did then". That was his response to me. All I needed to do was to just step out of there for a minute, out of the cell, but they wouldn't let me. I said "you can come with me, but I need to", I just felt enclosed. It was just brutal, I screamed at one point cos I just felt I was going mad. In the police cell you had no concept of time, you didn't know if anyone had been called for you, you didn't know when you was getting out. I asked them to call my mum, but they didn't do it til like 9 hours later. I was terrified.

To keep occupied when I was inside I worked in the gardens, that was really good, it took you out of your cell and communicating with other lasses. I remember my first day, you were banged up 23.5 hours in Wakefield, and I remember going out to exercise for the first time, I was fearful of the other lasses; all I could go off was TV shows. I was like, Leonie, your gunna have to go and talk to someone, so I just went up to this group of lasses and I was like, "hey, I'm Leonie", and it started from there.

I was in Wakefield at first for a few months I think, then literally a few days before Christmas, I got shipped out to Drake Hall in Staffordshire, a long way away. literally you have an hour to pack up your stuff and your only allowed to take three bags of stuff with you. You don't get a reason why, you just get told to pack your bags and you're going. It really affected me, getting shipped out. I was doing really well; I was still practicing my spiritual side, and then it all went to pot with the move, and even though I was probably moved to a better prison for mental health, I actually went really downhill really quick, I ended up self-harming quite a lot and frequently, it was just a really bad time.

In a sense I was probably in the best prison I could have been whilst I was going downhill, cos they were more personable and they'd come and see you if things got really bad. If I'd started somewhere else and then got moved to Wakefield, I wouldn't have coped at all. I was having a hard time in Wakefield and a lady literally just gave me a number for Samaritans, I was like, "cheers. Nice one." Mainly, I was treated well, but there was officers saying, "oh she's just attention seeking", but I knew my real reason behind cutting, just to kind of manage.

What helped/helps you?

The most helpful thing was my spiritual practice. It's around questioning your thoughts, being really curious about them. I did it with a teacher, she's called Helen and she's beautiful. I got connected to her through a friend. Sometimes I've let it go and not practiced, and she carried on contacting me through prison, and after prison, and to this day. She's been a real support for me.

I've had a lot of support. I often feel that if some of the other women or men had had my amount of support they'd probably be alright as well. People are like, "but you put the work in", but I still had that support to help me put the work in. No one really knew I was a drug addict til the arrest, my mum didn't know, I then started to use the support that I had around me all along. Admitting that I was an addict. Being honest about stuff. Bit by bit.

I've been very lucky, I kept my home, and my cats, but I had a really hard time once I was out of prison. It was all still there, the depression and stuff. I can't remember when, but I'd gone downhill and I'd started to harm again, I was like, I'm meant to be delivering sessions to these people and there's me still self-harming. I started to put my spiritual practice in to actual action again, and that massively helped. I went to NA meetings. One meeting a week. I would say, go through the 12 steps even if you're not considered an addict, to look at why we do the things we do, and how to change that if you wanna.

I remember in prison you all got a board for your photos of family and friends and stuff like that, I felt horrendous about myself and I just wrote in big letters 'you're vile'. I absolutely hated myself. That was a stage when I couldn't get over what I'd done; not necessarily the crime I'd been convicted of but how I'd manipulated my mum and friends, and how I'd lied. It was the lies that hurt me the most cos I'd gone against my morals. But then it was just about learning how to be kinder to myself, bit by bit, and actually sitting with myself, sitting with my feelings, not trying to distract by using my phone, or telly, or any sort of thing where I'm running away from me. Its process isn't it.

Sometimes I couldn't do it, I was distracted to the hills, and that's alright, and its being okay with that as well. Even when I said to you "I should go to more NA meetings", I was like, well actually there's no should or shouldn'ts. It's like vaping. I need to stop vaping but it's like, you will do when you get sick of it. You'll stop when you wanna stop. And even when you wanna stop but you've not stopped, its like, alright, you've not stopped. Its one of those innit.