'For fuck's sake, I FEEL THIS' - Ellie

Comedy is like medication, its essential to dealing with the trauma of being dealt with like I have…it's survival. It's enjoyable, it expresses a journey and emotions, and it's taking control - a positive behaviour in replace of self-harm. I'm identifying: for fuck's sake, I FEEL THIS. Mainly I get inspiration from my experiences and conversations I've had with people. I'm encouraged to go through old journals; sometimes I'm too worried about reading what I've written but if I'm gonna find funny shit then I will.

I've always loved art, I was blessed with my mum being an art teacher. My mum withstood a lot of trauma that happened to her but she always instilled values in me about compassion, and "everyone can draw". I like drawing animals. It brings my mums memory back to life. I can sort of hear her wanting to make that into art, I'm connecting with her. This one is to do with addiction - destigmatising, raising awareness and coping. That one was just for fun. Funny shit. A raving sloth. Cartoons of birds.

………

If you've had trauma that feels like punishment and comes with no explanation as a kid, you're left desperately seeking an answer to why it's happening.… blaming yourself leads to a level of peace, compared to the constant questioning. Stuff that was going on at home was really bad and they'd never questioned it at school, but they'd say "we need to address your self-injury"; it was seen as attention seeking. For me it was taking control, I punished myself before anyone else could. They weren't asking enough questions: Why do you need to get this control at such a young age?

I was incarcerated in West End hospital when I was a teenager through CAMHS. I thought: Why am I being sectioned, what's the point, just for feeding, and medication? I discharged myself, I was still binging and purging, but I managed to get through my A levels. What this experience gave me was I started volunteering at MIND with people coming out of prison. At the time I was 22, and they probably thought- who the fuck are you? How can you relate to me? So I said "I'm not gonna sit here and patronisingly say to you, oh I understand, because I don't, I haven't been where you're at. But I've had this experience with my mental health, I'm here, and I really care about what we're doing and this is how I can support you" - I found that people appreciated that.

A lot of drugs are circulated in jail and so you'd come out in a worse state. But for some people it's better to be inside: you've got a roof, meals, a sense of security. Once out, people would end up having to sofa surf and so they'd end up relapsing. If you've grown up in a situation where you have to act a certain way in order to survive, then that's what you know isn't it, how the fuck are you supposed to know anything else, other than that?

I got to Uni despite all the mental health stuff, and from then I had 6 years of stability; a combination of having medication, hypnosis, extremely effective counselling, and positive relationships in my life. I was exposed to people that hadn't had traumatic lives, the activities they'd like to do were at times irresponsible (how much can you drink and not die in freshers week?) but they'd talk about issues that aren't related to trauma, so it was good for me to be around. I was doing politics and philosophy so that was really interesting. It totally took you out of the world of abuse and trauma. Creating something, learning something, is healing. I discovered my own worth, and that life could be experimental and, on my terms, life could have choice. And I felt free.

When I've been in work I've always been miles more stable. In nursing my routine of helping patients was important to me, and my colleagues, and the thing I was specialising in, I've always been passionate about what I do. When you're around people and you're helping them get well, you'll give them advice that you don't even realise you have within yourself!

When I was pregnant with my daughter; I'd just got out of an abusive relationship with her dad and I'd lost my mum that year. I'd been relying on using drink and drugs for so long that I'd forgotten my own issues, so when I stopped, all the grief, trauma and PTSD came flooding back. They sectioned me, it was really traumatic. There was a lot of art which was good, but you can end up so distressed in there that you're equally bad or worse than before. It was a weird experience, surrounded by people that were ill in different ways again, I'd not been exposed to that for a while. You learn new tricks on how to harm yourself in different ways. It's a stressful environment to be in… you see people you're fond of, struggling. What you need is therapy to be moving away things like that.

I read an interesting book which really validated me, "Sexy but psycho" by Doctor Jessica Taylor. It's about how the patriarchy in psychiatry uses women's trauma against them. When I got a BPD (borderline personality disorder) diagnosis it was with this psychiatrist that I'd never met before, and was just after I'd reported a rape to the police, which was re-traumatising. You're asked to tick boxes, are you feeling shit? Empty? Any impulsive behaviours? Self-harm? You only have to tick 5 of them for the diagnosis. Dr Taylor says women are seven times more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which has a reputation as being an unscientific diagnosis- the modern-day hysteria.

Females have been suppressed for years in different ways; this is a modern way of doing that. With a BPD diagnosis they will literally not take what you've said seriously in court. They can say that part of BPD is promiscuous and impulsive behaviour & chaotic and unstable relationships, so they would argue that you go and seek out some sexual activity, and then as an attention seeking thing, falsely report and accuse somebody of rape. That is a massive issue, the attention seeking thing, it came up a lot when I was sectioned as well.

After West End, I gave birth to my daughter. I agreed to the adoption, I was traumatised and had no shelter, it was the best life for her. They're talking to her about feelings, not just learning manners or how to say when you are tired…emotions happen, they are alright, and they originate for this reason. I nearly cried with delight when I heard that! That doesn't happen in a lot of families. Can you imagine if we'd have all learnt that from a young age? It's equipping you with how to handle intense emotions so they don't turn to blaming yourself, or being aggressive to other people.

In 2021 they sent me and 4 other people with BPD down to Milton Keynes to do dialectical behaviour therapy for 18 months, and it was awful - they wouldn't let me leave. They used a behaviour incentive programme, you'd start off with a score of 0, and each week that you didn't engage with a 'problem behaviour' like self-harming/sitting in the corner/refusing to eat, they'd give you a point. If you got 3 weeks without doing anything you'd then be able to go out for a cig. You're not allowed out to the shops; you can't be trusted. If you're not allowed to be exposed to anything dangerous, you forget how to manage it yourself. When you get that freedom back you've forgotten you can resist it. It becomes tantalising, it's like a yessssssss, I can finally do it.

They don't really treat you like a human. I was sort of put in a cell, and highly medicated, observed 1:1 by someone with a clipboard in a room with a TV in a glass box, bored out my mind. Everything is taken away, it reflects a view that they think they can change that mental illness by punishing you for engaging in those behaviours.

………

This I have to remind myself of as often as I can - my identity and my 'being' is not just some diagnosis.

I'm an actual person, with a name that my Mother gave me, who my friends bonded with, who people and other living beings around me shared energy and interaction with, and continue to do so.

- Taken from Ellie's blog: https://mindinmotion.home.blog/